Negative Again

I've become a mom at the age of 20. So I was worried back then that I might have a lot of children in the future. Since bata pa nga ako nag-umpisa. But here comes 2020, almost ten years after I gave birth, I still have one child.

We are not using any contraceptions. I never took any pills. Never had any injections. Ayaw ni Daddy dahil baka hindi daw maganda ang effect sa 'kin. We haven't consulted yet with an Ob-Gyne din kasi Daddy believes na if kagustuhan ni Lord, ibibigay niya.

Last year, when I resigned from my job for five years, isa sa naging goal namin na dapat masundan na si Danne. My daughter was 8 then, and she madly wants a sibling. Umaabot na kami sa point na umiiyak siya, asking us bakit daw wala siyang kapatid. The question 'Kelan niyo susundan?' becomes annoying already. We are trying. Pero wala pa talaga.

Okay lang naman but I can't help but feel a little 'inggit' everytime I see my friends having another baby again. I feel sad everytime I took a pregnancy test and turns out negative. Excited pa naman mag-ama ko everytime I take a PT and will just get disappointed later on.

I miss being pregnant. I had a happy pregnancy din siguro that's why. But to tell you honestly, I am half-hearted on being pregnant again. I have reservations. I am already turning 30 this year and I am thinking if magka-baby ulit for example, this year, by the time the baby's 10, I'm already 40. I feel old. Unlike with Danne, when I turned 40, she's already 20. I can enjoy my retirement earlier, HAHA! I'm also not sure if I'm ready to take care of a little baby again, 'yung puyat, 'yung pagod. And with what's happening right now, endless wars, this CoVid-19, parang I don't wanna bring another human on this kind of earth. So maybe God knows my hesitations. God knows what my heart really feel. Tapos we are planning on something pa naman this year and next year. So if ever I get pregnant again, saka na lang 'pag settled na kami and I don't feel healthy bearing a little human inside me. I admit, tumaba rin kasi ako, so maybe that's one of the reason that I'm not getting pregnant yet. I need to lose weight muna. :)

Our family planning is based on what God wants. Umaasa man kami, ayaw pa rin namin siyang pangunahan. Siguro He has plans pa for us and I can't wait to see what he has stored for us in the future. Sabi pa nga 'tiwala lungs'! 🙏