The Confession of a Newborn Mama

I burst into tears the other night. My baby girl — for the first time — had a tantrum. Pinalitan ko na ng diaper, sinayaw sayaw ko na, pinadede. Nothing seems to pacify her. And it came to a point that my nipples are already sore kasi dedede siya papalit palit pero iiyak then kabila ulit then kabila na naman. Masakit na talaga. Tapos halo-halo na nararamdaman ko. Yung sudden lang yung buhos ng emotion. Bigla I felt like I was a failure kasi hindi ko mapatahan sarili kong anak. I was worried baka there's something wrong with her. And I was feeling so tired. Yung tinitimpi kong iyak napunta sa hagulgol that woke up my husband. I can't contain it. And I started to wonder 'Nagpopost partum depression na ba' ko? '

Good thing, my husband didn't say anything. He usually ask kasi what's wrong pag umiiyak ako. And that moment, I don't wanna talk. I just wanna cry. Parang it felt good din to be crying. Just letting all that feelings and emotion pour out. And then he hugged me. His prescence meant a lot. Nandun lang siya just letting me cry. Tapos he told me to rest, tho I can't kasi alam ko breast ko lang ang magpapatahan kay baby. But I was thankful for the thought.

Even with three kids hindi mo pa rin talaga masasabi na 'Ah master ko na ang pagiging nanay'. It's always back to zero, at least for me. And kung meron man na-master na ang pagiging ina, well, hats off sayo, ikaw na 🙌

I am a mother for 10 years now but I can't totally say that I have already figured it out. I am still learning and exploring. At marami pa ring adjustments. Pero the cliche is right, it gets better everyday.

Sumasakit pa din ulo ko sa puyat, minsan gabi na ko nakakaligo, pero sabi pa nga you just learn to live with it, nanay ka eh. Mahirap, nakakapagod pero ironically masaya and fulfilling maging nanay. Minsan pag natatapos ang isang araw mapapatanong ka na lang din sa sarili mo 'pano ko nagawa yun?'. Ako, I take advantage din of all the help I could get. After all, it takes a village to raise a child. Thankful ako sa asawa ko, sa parents ko kasi without them gulo-gulo din talaga utak ko.

And as a mom, we also need to take care of ourselves, hindi selfish yun. Kasi our kids deserve the best version of ourselves so we need to heal from anything that we need to be healed from. Kaya Keep going Mama! (reminder also to myself)

Originally written on December 29, 2021 when my baby was just few weeks old.

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